Paige StrandWe’ve all had that friend, male or female, who vents regularly about their relationship, generously giving you a glance at every skeleton in their closet as though you were hoping to spend your Friday night impersonating Maury Povich for them. You get the lovely privilege of hearing about how the spouse always leaves socks on the bedroom floor, or dirty dishes in the kitchen, and as you nod in support, you wonder if this is actually how the phrase “airing dirty laundry” was coined. Out of support, you let your friend rant, and offer advice when possible- what comes next is often interesting, when as the third party, you realize the one missing component.
“So how did you talk it out?”
“We didn’t. I’ve just been sending short texts, and doing my own thing”.
Well first of all, that’s great, it’s healthy to have independent time as an individual, no matter how long you have been together- balance is key. However, another core element to a successful long-term relationship is communication, as it allows us to share concerns and goals, support each other and show praise, while also successfully making long-term decisions together. A study conducted by Eğeci and Gençöz found that duos with a stronger level of self-confidence were able to communicate well during difficult periods that require problem solving, thus resulting in greater satisfaction. Huffington Post also claims that poor communication is the top reason for break ups and divorces at 64%, followed by irreconcilable differences at 43%. How does this even begin? Actually, more innocently than one would suspect.
Often the honeymoon phase of a relationship is exciting yet coy, as many choose to silently determine what is acceptable to say or ask and occasionally decide to overlook certain annoyances. With comfort, several relationships become enlightening after many months; some expect their minds to magically be read, some finally voice their discomfort in coming home to a cluttered kitchen. It is perfectly reasonable for your sense of voice to mature with time and ease, and to become more aware or vocal is a sign of your growth as a person. However, to believe that the ‘silent treatment’ or ‘mind reading’ will enhance a relationship will leave several sorely mistaken. Communication is respect, and appreciation for a partner. Leaving things unsaid can lead to hasty mistakes, and resentment towards partners who continue to live unaware of the problems. Regardless of how long two people co-exist, the fantasy of a partner’s ability to mind read will most often lead to misunderstandings, as we are always developing as people- things that bother us now, may not in future.
I’m not saying settle for less, I’m saying you matter. I’m saying that if you want something, you should vocalize it, because you deserve it. All of your needs deserve to be met, and that can only come close to being achieved in respectfully speaking up on how you feel, and what your preferences are.
If you communicate poorly, or have in past, this does not make you a bad person. Relationships are hard work, and at times, intense feeling can get to even the strongest of individuals. As well, the media can have a strong influence in how people communicate within their relationships. Cracked claims that magazines have often gained a poor reputation for giving toxic relationship advice. The website goes on to demonstrate this with examples from today’s media, like an article known as “He Shares the Details of His Day, Therefore He Must Be Hiding Something”. While many laugh off articles like these, the fact that they even exist is bizarre. Internalizing fear of the “what if” is never beneficial, and can only work to hinder communication and trust.
Communication is often regarded as an afterthought, and those who want to heighten it in their relationship are looking to invest for the long haul. In speaking your mind, as well as listening to your partner’s thoughts, you will be surprised at how many arguments, conflicts and misunderstandings are eliminated entirely. Now we would like to listen to you! Please tweet us your tips on Communication at julemagazine, and keep the conversation going.