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Written by Samantha Rivera | So you disagreed on the best way to handle a situation and now you and your partner are on the couch, fuming over what he didn’t say, but should have said (or something along those lines). Can you relate to this situation? If you can, you’re definitely not alone. Every relationship has disagreements – at least the healthy ones do.
Yes that’s right, arguments are actually a part of every healthy relationship. Now notice that we said “arguments” instead of “fights”. The two are entirely different. When you argue with someone, you have a point you’re trying to make and you defend it. Fighting is trying to make yourself heard and make the other person do what you want without explaining why they should do it. This is definitely not the right way to get a point across. So what is?
1. Have a point
The first step is to have something you’re trying to accomplish. It can be as small as convincing your partner that you would rather go out for seafood than steak, or something bigger, such as whether or not he should take that new job across the country.
2. Explain your position
Explain what you’re feeling and what you believe. For instance, if you don’t think you should move because your life has already settled, tell him. Keep your points rational and concrete, no matter how simple it is.
3. Don’t make it personal
When you’re in an argument it can be very easy to start out with good intentions and fall into the trap of insults and name-calling. Don’t tell your partner you “Never get what you want” or “Remember that time” he wronged you. Frame your points in the present. Don’t bring up something from the past unless it’s absolutely necessary.
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Tip: Refrain from using absolutes (e.g. never, always, every) because they tend to make people more defensive.
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4. Let your emotions out
Finally, we come to something that you’ve probably been told is a bad idea. You’ve probably been told to always stay calm when you are arguing and that if you show your emotions, then you’re doing it wrong. This is not true. If you’re upset don’t hold it in! Letting him see your true emotions will help him better understand your point-of-view.
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Tip: Show your emotions, but do not direct them at your partner in a way that can escalate the argument.
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The problem most people have with arguments is that they try to avoid them. They let little things go and ignore things that only slightly annoy them because “it’s just not worth it”. Letting your feelings be known and your beliefs understood is always worth it. Constant communication is key. Don’t just brush things off because when you do, two things happen: 1. You start building up resentment and anger for the things your partner is doing that you don’t like. 2. Your partner keeps repeating the same habits, unaware of how you feel about them. Before you know it, you could be in an all-out battle for reasons you can’t even pinpoint.
Do you have any tips on how to have a healthy argument? Get the discussion rolling in the comment section below!