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Written by Dr. Charles Stangor, Ph.D. | There is nothing more painful than a sexual infidelity in a marriage, and studies indicate that marital infidelity is the strongest contributor to relationship dissolution.[1] But can a marriage survive one? What is the difference between those who repair their relationships and move on to stronger and deeper connections with each other and those who call it quits? Marriages can survive infidelity, but it will take work and careful planning.[2]
Any kind of betrayal is painful, so if you care about your relationship, don’t do it. But if it does happen and there is a gut feeling that you’re not ready to throw in the towel, then take a breath and make a plan. When the betrayal comes from a spouse or long-term partner the results are likely to be psychologically and sometimes even physically devastating (the possibility of spreading STDs for example). Being the victim of a lie shakes the foundation of a relationship and compromises the self-confidence of the deceived partner. The partner may wonder: “Who is this person with whom so much intimacy has been shared and how will trust ever be regained?”
It is possible to restore the relationship so that the partners may enjoy unguarded genuine and spontaneous affection for each other. But if a marriage is to successfully survive the damage of an infidelity the partners must both address the issue honestly and openly.
The obvious first step is to end the unfaithful behavior. The offending partner must come clean, own up to his or her mistakes, and stop the unfaithful behavior immediately in order to show a level of commitment needed to save the relationship.
Once the desire to continue the relationship by both partners has been established, the work of repairing the relationship may begin. Working to retrieve spontaneity might seem counter-intuitive at first, but lack of communication and inaccurate assumptions about the other partner are often at the root of the infidelity. Trust must be restored so partners may become more open with each other and less defensive.
Understanding and supporting the needs of a partner enriches a relationship. For the offended partner, the difficulty lies in the willingness to forgive. Forgiveness is essential as it provides the safe and neutral emotional space needed for healing.[3] The partner who has acted unfaithfully needs to address his or her personal feelings of guilt and remorse. And this partner must acknowledge a complete understanding of the eroding effect the infidelity has played in undermining their partner’s ability to trust their judgment of themselves and others.
In many cases professional help may not only be recommended but necessary. Ground rules set and monitored by a counselor may guide partners in exploring some fundamental issues in the relationship which otherwise might degrade into off-topic and unhelpful emotional conflicts.
Patience with each other, and focusing on an agreed-upon solution is necessary for successful outcomes. Building trust and negotiating the emotional terrain of an infidelity takes time and each couple must feel their own way in their own time. Unproductive behaviors such as blaming and shaming should be avoided.
It’s hard to guarantee success, and it will take hard work. But focusing on forgiveness, commitment, and communication after an affair will go a long way toward saving the relationship.