Paige StrandAs anyone that knows me well can attest to, I am not the type to daydream about milestones as though they are the end of my journeys, or scan Pinterest like a vulture ready to lunge; so you can imagine my surprise one day, when I woke up from a dream that appeared to be my wedding. It appeared to be mine, because I was sitting at the head table in the middle of a crowded hall, and the rapper Lil Jon was sitting at one of the closer tables- for some reason, those are clear, logical indications that this was my party. One of my close friends from university also appeared in the dream, and like any millennial, I texted her that morning that she had given some form of speech. She replied an hour later:
“Is this your way of telling me you’re engaged?!”
“Haha no! Happily living together”
In a few short texts, this conversation escalated to the point that she teased that as a feminist, she would speak on the patriarchal traits of marriage in order to educate the crowd to live wiser. For those of you reading this before your morning coffee, the term Patriarchal indicates a social system in which males hold primary power and dominance. I too, believe in a world where equal rights are for everyone, and so I laughed at her comment in the moment; however, her words stuck with me for a different reason.
Does marriage really indicate giving in to a male-dominant system?
I am thankful to live amongst several who truly embrace equality, as I am rarely confronted with interactions that contain gender biases or assumptions. I never dwell on when I will get married as I personally see it as a celebration, but not as an absolute ‘must’- there are many more dimensions of life to look on to. I am the individual that will (in a subtle manner) verbally deck you if you try to infer I am lesser for being female; I am also the type who will educate you in a classy manner exactly what I am capable of. I don’t feel I have to prove anything to you as I do not seek your validation of me, however I want to educate people to see variety- and that is why I have written this piece today with the help of women who shared their unique perspectives on this topic.
Who knew making a personal choice required so many opinions?
An ex co-worker of mine came forward to inform me of the pressure she has received for her life choices:
“I believe in equal rights for women, period. That means we have the right to choose and I chose to marry my best friend and live happily with him, in a partnership. We share the responsibilities in our house and I don’t see myself as being a ‘stepford wife’. That being said, I often feel judged because I was married at 25.”
This information had shocked me at the time, as she is a very strong and career-driven individual, and I could never envision her as the passive stereotype she may have been placed as for getting married at a young age- nevertheless, my opinion along with others, should not be involved in her personal affairs. Statistics show that people are getting married in later years than in past, so perhaps a young marriage may create a sense of shock. Regardless, belittling someone simply for making a life choice different than your own is not okay. This is 2015, where you can be and do what you feel is the best choice for you without feeling beleaguered. However, this is also 2015, where shaming is unfortunately a common occurrence via social media and other forms of communication.
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Kicking ass and taking names, just not surnames
One individual expressed to me her desire to keep her last name, and how many people in her life seemed shocked by this concept, despite this act becoming increasingly popular in our society. Whether you are ultra-conservative or very liberal minded, it’s perfectly okay to be shocked by culture at times, as it is always shape-shifting into a slightly altered form. In this case, the individual is using her knowledge and education to craft her decision, and should not require the approval or disapproval of anyone. When we are pushing our beliefs onto others aggressively as a way of influencing opinions, this creates stress, not enlightenment. Another woman informed me of her conflicting ideas on staying home with children, as she desires this outcome, but worries she may not be held in the highest esteem by her female peers who perceive childbearing as archaic. I know better than anyone in the case that having children is not for everyone- I struggle to hold a child, let alone watch one for several hours. However, I am not about to assess my peers as lesser for choosing to walk this road, as they are different than me, and I love them for it. Educating someone to what is possible and cracking down on someone for life choices that may be more traditional, are two very different actions. I came across an article recently that describes taking a partner’s last name as a display of weakness, as the author states that “women [that] continue to do this voluntarily [shows] that our concept of “romance” and commitment are still firmly rooted in inequality”. Whether I agree with this statement or not, I feel inclined to remind people that they are entitled to make informed choices on their own terms, knowledge and happiness, not by what media or our friends say.
Send knowledge, not judgement
It is easy to interpret ourselves as the ultimate resources of knowledge, and that everyone around us simply requires that knowledge to be saved- ironically, these values were popular to institutions that no longer hold dominance over every decision. I am not typing to tell others how to live, I am typing to remind you that your validation is most important for your choices. Knowledge and equality are for all, and we require development to further achieve initiatives, however what people choose to do with their life is ultimately up to them. The entire point of advancing is to explore and make new choices based on the information presented- at the end of the day, please don’t stress about whether you fit within a social category enough, or if your life choice is ideally feminist enough. If you want to get married, you strut down that altar, and if you don’t want to, find what fits you. Become and stand for what you perceive to be your cause and your brand.
Life is kind of like Subway, in the sense that only you know what will go into your best sandwich- and if people disagree with your thoughts on pickles, then hey, they can order a different sub!
Share your thoughts with us on Twitter @julemagazine, and keep the conversation going!