Written by Dr. Charles Stangor, Ph.D. | Bereavement and loss are inevitable conditions that affect almost all humans at one time or another during our lives. The most recognized causes for grief are the death or the terminal illness of a parent, child, spouse, family member, friend, or pet. But there are other events that are also sources of grief including the ending of a close relationship, severe substance abuse, and disasters such as losing a home or a career.
There are a number of psychological theories that help us understand the grieving process. Some of these suggest that people who are grieving go through different stages of grief. These theories have been created to help people identify and cope with the emotions and behaviors that are characteristic of grieving.
Many people have heard of the work of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her five-stage theory on adjusting to grief that she described in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.[1]
The five stages are:
- Denial (The belief that “this can’t be true.”)
- Anger (The responses of “Why is this happening to me?” or “What have I done to deserve this?”)
- Bargaining (“There must be a way for me to fix this”)
- Depression (Including feelings of hopelessness or being unable to handle the grief or what’s to come in the future.)
- Acceptance (Letting go and trusting that things will somehow be okay).
Although Kübler -Ross is perhaps the best known, other psychologists have also proposed variations on the stage model. For instance the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer proposed three stages and the renowned developmental psychologist John Bowlby cited four stages.
There are many research studies that have tested the validity of the various stage models of grief, but it is not that easy to find consistent support for them. Different people seem to follow different paths and the timelines vary widely. Yet despite the inconsistencies among people, there are nevertheless some constants and similarities, and these similarities help us find ways to cope:
No matter what the source of your grief, it is going to be painful. You may need to let yourself experience your mourning by participating in the rituals that society creates to help us mourn. If you find comfort in this, attend the social groups that deal with your loss, the memorials and funerals that follow a death, and allow people to help you.
If you feel too anxious or find yourself unable to focus on daily activities, seek professional help. This kind of guidance is usually short-term and situation-specific and does not indicate any weakness on your part.
Acknowledge your feelings by accepting the pain, and allow yourself to be comfortable with that acceptance. Give yourself time to process your emotions. Avoid making major life decisions until you are in a more stable frame of mind. Try to see your friends and join in social activities. And take care of your health — eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise.
You will probably never forget the loss. When loved ones are involved you may not want to forget, and through the course of the day there may be reminders of the absence of the departed. This is a natural response. In most cases, the impact of the loss will diminish with time and the memories of the bereavement may be transformed and integrated into something less painful and more manageable.
And take comfort – you will probably be OK. George Bonnano, a psychologist who has conducted many studies about grief theorizes that there are actually no “stages” to work through.[2] Instead, he believes that grief is a human characteristic that is fundamentally determined by resilience. Humans experience grief, they learn from it, they cope, and they often benefit from the experience.