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Written by Kirstin Stokes Smith | Kids need to hear the word “no” more often than they do. Ask parents, and most will agree that other people’s kids aren’t vetoed enough. The lines become blurred however, when we’re dealing with our own children. It’s fitting then that in order to create a healthy respectfulness for personal boundaries, parents and caregivers need to set clearer limits (“unblur” the lines, if you will).
It’s difficult to see when you’re looking at a toddler who wants to rifle through a guest’s purse, or a 10-year-old who wants to quit music lessons mid-year, but these are teachable moments. Parents and caregivers have to instill a sense of patience, perseverance, and respect for others – and ultimately themselves – as they begin to see themselves as people who treat others well and who set and meet goals.
When my son was still a baby I met a fellow mommy who had been reading Alison Gopnik, Andrew Meltzoff, and Patricia Kuhl’s wildly popular, The Scientist in the Crib. The premise of the book is that babies are like scientists; they’re driven by a need to figure out their world and test theories. I’m not going to debate the thesis of the book here, but I will say that what my mommy friend took away from the book was that her baby was a small genius who needed carte blanche to explore and experiment within his environment.
“We stay away from the word ‘no’ with him,” she told (a nonplussed) me, adding, “We just don’t want him to develop a negative self-concept.”
By the time my friend’s kiddo was a toddler he was rummaging through drawers (exploring) in other people’s homes and turning appliances on and off repeatedly (experimenting) at home, and away as well. Another ritual she and her husband developed was redecorating when they arrived at other people’s homes with sonnyboy, in case he felt the need to test the reaction of the crystal vase with the marble flooring.
Are these people bad parents? Far from it.
According to Sara Bean, “Your job is to set the limit, not to control how your child feels about it or reacts to it.”
Parenting a child at any age involves a fine-tuned process of setting and resetting parameters. Children may behave as if they don’t want/need/like the imposition of order and rules (and maybe kids genuinely don’t) but they crave structure and discipline. Too much freedom and power is anxiety-provoking, and, if they’re handed everything they think they want, they won’t experience the genuine satisfaction of earning the “yes” or learning that they can handle disappointment.
Sometimes we’re the ones who don’t have the heart or patience to say “no”. Saying “yes” is easy, but saying “no” when it’s merited strengthens both you and your child.